I think.

I have a question.

My pizza paused mid-air by his sudden change of expression --- he was attempting to look serious. I tried not to laugh. I shrugged it off and continued devouring the biggest slice of pizza I've ever had --- I was too hungry to care after all.

Do you like him a lot? And does this guy even have any idea how much you like him?

I almost choke --- Definitely. I never saw that coming.

But as usual I countered. Wrong question, I replied. Liked. And I don't know if he has any idea about it, I continued. As me and my friend talked about other things, the back of my mind is still wondering back to that question about you.

LikeD. I corrected him right away. Trying to force the issue that the real problem is the lack of letter D from the verb used instead of the more accurate Love. But I never mentioned it. Cause you see, I'd want to properly divide my life into the past, the present and the future. And obviously, I am trying so hard to categorize and make you as simply a part of my past.

I don't want you to be like a shadow always following me, always hanging around me, always haunting me every time I attempt to move on. I don't want to hope. I no longer want to be hurt. Because I was, I am...still...and the fact that you have no idea--- much more did not do it in purpose, doesn't cancel it out--- doesn't change anything.

I don't want to be in love with you anymore cause the truth is, it's easier for me to deal with you as the one who got away--- since that was your choice after all. Nobody forced you Not to choose me. But I should never allow you to be the one that never left my heart, never left my mind, just because I never even tried to forget.

I think I am better off this way. Alone. No please, don't pity me. The thing is, falling in love and trying to make a certain someone fall in love with you and then trying to stay in love and forcing yourself to fall out of love with someone who will never love you back is much much much more exhausting than being alone.

So yeah, I guess there are far more worse things than being alone.

I think,

Let it Rain

It's almost summer. Oh pardon me, it is already summer. Graduations had been held and Summer break had finally officially begun. And lately I've been taking in liters and gallons of fluids to quench my thirst and parched throat. Have you ever had that feeling that you know you are thirsty but no matter how many glasses of water you had drunk you still feel thirsty and that you simply ended up feeling bloated as well?

It's pretty crazy. I normally feel that these past weeks. Might be because of the summer heat. I always feel parched.

But good thing we had rain showers for the past days. I remembered one time, I had written a journal when after such a long time, rain finally arrived. We can call that the first drops of summer rain for it to sound melodramatic. After all, rain tends to make one's mood sappy and melancholic and sad...

Anyway, it's nice to rain once in a while. I just hope there's no storm coming in. Hmmmm...this is so weird. I am talking about the weather.

Bad sign.

Oh, let the rain keep falling down cause it won't stop me from getting where I'm bound. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe it's too late. But I'm gonna make it. Don't care what the skies say. So oh, let it rain. Let it rain. Let it rain

Still.

It just suddenly hit me.

Or maybe I was just really felling sappy since yesterday. Or maybe it was just because of the dream I had. More often, we are told that our dream usually is part of our subconscious mind --- it shows us the things we don't want to happen and would like to happen. On my part --- it's the latter.

It's pretty crazy. I made a declaration to myself that I have no time for love. Which of course is not really a good line to say especially if you've read the book: The Secret and you know enough that the Universe works under one law: Law of Attraction. So declaring that line to yourself is like wishing over to a genie and the genie's answer is always: "Yes, your wish is my command." --- And so love will indeed have no time for you.

But then, maybe the declaration was with no conviction at all. It was just something I'd like myself to believe in. An escape from reality. That's why I haven't written anything about it. That's why I haven't written something that would reveal my inner most thoughts---inner most feelings. That's why I've only been writing movie reviews for the last couple of weeks.

That's why I haven't written anything about you.

Cause I know the moment I will start writing about you (again) would be the day I'd finally accept that yes I still do.

And that yes, I am still not over you.

much for the blabbers again for these days.

It's been pretty crazy these past days. With my sudden change of work responsibilities I had to do away with some personal things. I've been missing American Idol episodes and have to content my self with watching reruns every weekends. I haven't read the latest chapters of Naruto. Haven't twitted nor checked my facebook account. I even stopped blogging for a while. I just keep myself entertained when I read myself off to sleep or when I doodle over some notes when I thought of something worth while to blog but still unable to publish. Maybe time will come I'd finally mix them all up until such time they are worthy to be called blog entries.

I'm not complaining. I even think it's better this way. Maybe yes, I am taking my life seriously. Too seriously. I certainly am. I mean I am already 22, almost 23 now. And if I'd still play around, what is it there for me?

But I don' t want to think that I have a failing social life. Haha. Definitely not. Although if you're from the outside looking in to my life, it's just natural to think that my life is dull --- boring --- more or less almost lifeless. Work-sleep-work-eat-and-poop-in-between.=p Such bland combinations. There's definitely truth in all of those. I mean how hard is it to text or call someone so you'd be in a company? And why the heck am I not doing that?

However just like what I've said I think it's better this way. That's actually a lame excuse or sounds too defensive but I just think there are just people who are cut-out to be better off alone --- at least for quite some time.

Independence. That's what I value most right now. I value it too much that it tends to get pretty scary sometimes. You know when you are so used with doing everything on your own then all of the sudden another person comes in the picture? Yah definitely it's nice to be in a company but right now again I am so use with this set up that an immediate change is definitely a No-No. But I do realize I can't go on like this forever.

It just feels like I am trap in this bubble and I am just waiting for the time for me to get the courage to finally prick it open or better yet for someone to poke it so I could get out. Someone who could wear off the shield I've put up. Someone who could tumble down the walls I've built around me. Someone who could see beneath the surface. To see the sadness in my eyes despite my smile. To hear the loneliness in my voice despite my laughs. To know that my heart says different from the words that are coming out of my lips.

There's too much to say about the triumphs I had, about the griefs I had, about what I feel today, about what I am expecting tomorrow. That's very literal. I mean I haven't written a journal or blogged for a very long time now. I just got to take each day and step one at a time.

All I know is that these days are the same and different at the same time. And the lines from the song These Days from Rascal Flatts runs through my head..Yeah Life throws you curves but you've learned to swerve. Me, I swung and I missed and the next thing you know, I'm reminiscing...Dreaming old dreams, wishing old wishes, Like you would be back again. I wake up and tear drops, they fall down like rain, I put on that old song we danced to and then. I head off to my job, guess not much has changed. Punch the clock. Head for home. Check the phone (just in case). Go to bed. Dream of you. That's what I'm doing these days.

You.

But who are you? Who is you? I think I would want to be in love with you. I mean even just the thought of you. But I don't even know you or I don't even know if there's a you for me. Would you come in my life and add some life in it? What's taking you so long?

Haha. Just want to end this post in a lighter note. But yeah.

Bored lang talaga ako ulit.

It's the first day of February. Yah. obviously. And I mentioned that too in my previous blog. And yah, this is obviously my 2nd blog for the day.

It's still my rest day. It's a new day. New month. New hair. lol. I really can't think of another introduction. =p

But yah, I had myself pampered for some hair treatment. Someone got to stop me! I'm becoming to be a spend-thrift these past few days!

But nah, nothing much had changed actually from my look. It's only for the sake of smoothness, glossiness and luster of the hair and all. Nothing grand. I was at first planning to have my hair colored but I chickened out in the end. I realized I am still not that adventurous enough to have my hair dyed. Though you might be wondering why last Christmas party my hair was colored. I used a washable hair-color that night so it's very much temporary. So I think I'd leave my hair black for now.

oooppsss...blurry.^_^

wahehe

Oh well, at least tomorrow I'd finally be back to work. Got a valid reason to be busy, busy, busy. I really got to stop this spending habit of mine. Errrr----Ok last on the list will be for Kris Allen's concert outfit. After that I'd place my ATM card in isolation.

Boredom comes with a price = Such a bad habit.

Bored lang talaga ako.

Parang ang hirap magsulat nitong nakaraang araw. Heto nga nagtatagalog na. Kakapagod ring mag-ingles buong araw at buong linggo. Pero kelangan. Parte yan ng trabaho.

Salamat naman at day-off ko ngayon. Ilang araw na ring panay overtime sa opisina. Kelangan raw para tumaas ang service level. Pero ok lang rin. Wala rin namang magawa kapag walang trabaho. Maghahanap lang ng mga walang kabulohang bagay para hindi ma-inip.

Tulad kanina, namasyal na naman ako sa mall (syempre). Pero parang ang sarap kumain ng lutong bahay kaya doon ako sa Food Court dumiretso. Apatnapu't walong piso lang ang nagastos! Ayos. Nakatipid.

Kakatuwa rin kapag mag-isa ka at walang magawa kundi pansinin ang mga tao sa paligid mo. Merong buong pamilya: Nanay, Tatay, Ate at Kuya na nagpapalit-palit sa pag-gamit ng computer. Ayos, mukhang may facebook kahit sila ni inang at tatang ah. Hanep! May magsyotang magkatabi na eh panay pa rin ang text. (Baka akala ko lang magsyota sila). May magkaparehang di nakuntento sa tig-iisang kape, mayroon ng nakahandang dalawa pang tasang kape para sa round two. May magkabarkadang di naman kumakain. At meron rin namang katulad ko na mag-isa na super nag-kokoconcentrate daw sa pag-kain.

Ayan. Fully-charged na sa wakas. Kaya naglibot. Pinigil ang sariling manood ng sine. Di naman kagandahan ang mga lumalabas. Maliban na lang kung nawala ako sa sarili at nonood ng pelikulang may linyang: "sana kahit minsan makita mo rin ako dahil ako ang nakikita ko...ikaw lang." Kung papano ko nalaman at namemorya yan, wag mo ng itanong. Masama sa iyung kalusugan, lalong lalo na sa puso.

Naghanap ng librong mahirap basahin. Parang trip ko lang pahirapan ang sarili ko. Parang trip ko ring mag-Shakespeare pero di ko pa kaya ang ganyang level. Nakita ko ang Atonement ni Ian McEwan. May nagsabing maganda raw ang i-storya pero nosebleed raw ang Ingles. Kakataka nga. Siguro may katabi syang disksyunaryo habang nagbabasa kaya nya nasabing maganda to. Pero sige, try natin. Baka may mapulot na linya na pwedeng ipang-bato sa mga Kanong tumatawag.

Bumili ng sandamukal na chichirya. Super Junkfood kumbaga. Trip ko ring kumain ng di-masustansyang pagkain. Pero bumili rin ng isang litro ng orange juice. Sa inumin na lang bumawi. Pero tamang-tama ang mga to. Paghahanda para mamya. Magpapakalunod sa kwarto kasama ni McEwan.

Ah Ewan nga. Ganyan talaga siguro kapag mag-isa ka lang sa buhay. Pangkaraniwan lang ang walang magawa kaya kelangang libangin ang sarili at baka mawala sa katinuon. Importanteng maghanap ng mapag-lilibangan. Tulad ng sa ngayon, nagba-blog.

Pacensya na. Bored lang talaga kasi ako.

Christmas Eve

I wanted to write a blog about Christmas but I don't want to write something sad and sappy during this time of the year. Don't get me wrong, it's not entirely that bad and all but you'd get my point right away if I'd say that I am away from my family during this celebration for the 2nd time now.

And so I simply found some ways to lighten up the evening. I am technically working tonight but that should not stop us from having some fun right? So here's to Christmas and idle time!

Merry Christmas to Everyone!^_^

Stranded

It's been a while.

Yes. I know. I know.

Been physically not OK for the last days. No I was not that sick cause technically I've still be working for the last six nights. To make it short, I was not well and yes you might have thought I should had call in sick and had some rest. But I don't know, I just had a feeling I'd be more sick if I did not work.

Today's a Sunday. Obviously. Staying here in Cebu gives me no reason not to attend the Eucharistic celebration. Every 100 meters you'd see a church, a chaplain, a school chapel, and even malls have scheduled masses. But the weather today was not that good. Very much tempting me to simply go home, stay in bed and sleep the whole day.

So I found myself running on my way to Church. Fighting over nature and trying to beat time. I only got 3 minutes before Church time and it's still more or less a 6-minute-walk away. And of course the sanest thing to do was to run. I could actually feel some eyes looking at me, some heads turning while I passed by them. I never thought I could be a head-turner.=p

But yep, I made it on time.

Church.

I had spent 9 years of my student life in a school administered by Lasallian Brothers. And though I would say I'm not an epitome of a perfect Catholic it's hypocritical to say that my faith was not at all affected nor molded by my Alma Mater. But nah, I'm not here to talk about my faith. Let's just say that there's some instances that when I go to church, I wish I get to go with a family member or a friend or a somebody in particular. Sometimes, the peace be with you part just makes me sad. But of course I'd try to disregard that thought. After all, Church is not suppose to make us feel alone.

Bunwich.

Haha. Anong relasyon sa pagsimba? It's my one and only day off for the week so I decided that I'd better stay home. After all, I did some panic buying for some books last week right?^_^ So I better finish them off. So on my way home, I was thinking of what to have for lunch then I passed by a Dunkin Donuts stall and somebody was buying bunwich. Bunwich for lunch? Why not? Funny how a sandwich in a bun would actually reminds me of someone. Sometimes, eating makes me sad too. It's just another day eating alone. But nah again. Shake it shake it off.

I remember blogging before from my old blog site something like this. Life right now is as boring as my bowl of oat-meal. No matter what flavor it is, it’s still an oatmeal. Boring…but good for the heart. That’s the only difference. Oatmeal is good for the heart but my heart here was never been good.

Sometimes, it feels like I am stranded.

Gawd. I sound so miserable.

haha.

I hope it's not too late to erase that impression. I am not. I've long accepted that it's part of independence and living away from home. But sometimes one just can't help but think about it.

But I'm better. Better is better than good.

If you know what I mean. ^_^

And yes, I'm back.

checklist

I woke up with a headache and when I checked the clock it's already past 8:30. First thought: Shit. Work at 9 and I'd surely be late. This will be the first time I'd ever be late for work if ever. Then I pulled myself up. The room was pitch dark but then I saw a little ray of sunshine trying to slip through the window curtain. Then I realized that Shit again. It's indeed 8:30 but it's only 8:30 in the morning. Work is 9PM. So I've only been asleep for roughly an hour and a half.

Shit.

I think I am hallucinating.

I tried climbing back to sleep after that but had trouble sleeping. Good thing my room mate went home to her province or for sure she'd certainly be annoyed by all the tossing and turning. I needed to get back to sleep.

But what the.

I got up, washed my face, put on the jeans I used last night, wore the first shirt that's hanging on the rack and decided to take a walk. Sleep is already out of the equation now. I picked up my clothes from a laundry shop. Grabbed a full meal. Read a newspaper cover to cover (except the obituary and the lifestyle sections). Get back to the boarding house. Read a couple of chapters of Peter Pan's world and tried sleeping again but of course failed to do so. Have to blame the latest happening in the office for the last 3 nights.

But anyway, to make the restlessness worthwhile I fixed our room. At least when my room mate gets back, she won't complain that our room had been converted to a pigsty. I realized it's been almost a year now eversince I opened the box for my ECE review materials. And looks like that will be left untouched for the mean time. Then I saw my "To Do List" and I realized that was left untouched as well. And I realized that among the 55 things I have written I've only accomplished 5 so far. And some are pretty much unattainable already.

Do you think there can be such a thing? To live your daily life through list that you never succeed in fully accomplishing anyway?

Lately I've been feeling that way.

I think I need to get myself inside a confessional box.

But crap.

For now, what I really need is a double shot of espresso to keep me awake.

Always be smarter than the people who hire you.

I've been turning off my cellphones for two consecutive nights now. Though it's not part of the company code and policies, it had been a tradition that if you don't want to be called for overtime during your rest days, then turn off your phones. And so I did. I think I've been working longer than usual for the last past weeks or ever since I was transferred to this new account. And I miss having two consecutive days off. And more than anything else, I think I badly need some rest. I still have three new books left unread and a couple of movies to be watched from the DVD my co-worker had given me.

I know I am good at work. That's something that I really don't want to get in to my head. Sometimes it's rather frightening to know that you seem to be on top of anything you'd want to be. I only got 4 days of training for the new account. I was given a week to get a feel of it and on the first week that I was assessed, I aced it. I even got better scores than those who we're in the new account ahead of me. Alright, I think it's starting to get in to my head so I'd better stop talking about it. Keep your feet grounded as what they would say.

I guess what I'm really trying to say (that's a line from a song right?haha) is that work is essential and so is rest. Although since I am alone here, single and with no complications, that makes me pretty much available for call of duty. But I too need rest and I am having some for this week. Maybe next week, I'd say yes to overtime again.lol

As for the title, I read that somewhere and I like it. When I searched who's quote it is, it's from Lena Horne. As to who is Lena Horne, you go find it out your self. XD But yes it doesn't have any relation or what so ever in this post's topic. Or maybe there's an underlying truth that I am certainly smarter than those who hired me. Ooooopppppsssss!!!!! I hope my boss won't get to read this. ^_^

Anyway, let's take it from Jane Austen: There is nothing like employment, active indispensable employment, for relieving sorrow.


Oh yes, Nothing nothing nothing indeed.

What's wrong with me?

I've recently ended my self in a middle of a deal with some of my office-mates. The deal would be for me to have my status changed from single to I'm in a relationship before the company Christmas party or else I have to treat them for some dinner over a nice, cozy, high-end restaurant. I tried to disagree of course because the time-frame is just too short. Or I mean, there's really no time-frame in involving yourself in a relationship right? But according to them 4 months is more than enough for me to have a boy-friend. Okay, I think I'd better start saving now.-_-

I don't know if I have to laugh or be pleased by the utmost want and interest of people here in the office for me to fall in love/ to be in a relationship/ to have a boyfriend. They sometimes wonder if I've ever been in love at all. And when I would reply that I was in love with the same guy for 5 years, I wonder if they'd regard that as a joke or would they realize that there's some truth in it?

One colleague here asked me if I'd want to meet a guy from a band. She said her boyfriend is the drummer and if I want I could have the bassist. Wow, she makes it sound so easy. But blind dating? Nah, that is totaly not my thing.

In the recently ended inter-callcenter indoor games, I've met some boys who had somehow taken fancy over me possibly because I was the only single girl who made it through the competition. One even asked me out twice now which believe it or not I had declined. Although of course I am impress because he had done his research well. But I'm not mentioning that by the way because I want to be smug that I could still catch some guy's attention. These are just premise in my conclusion that I think there's something wrong with me. I mean I have a lot of chances already of getting my self attached but why am I keeping my self away? And why did I thought of that face when a guy asked me if I am still available and I replied no? I think I am crazy. But I don't know maybe I am so use to being alone that I just can't see myself walking side by side with a guy (though I've been dreaming about it). But now that reality is presenting itself, I just can't say yes. Sheessh. I think I am confusing my self. I think there's a reason why I am alone all these years. Maybe I am better off this way.

Sigh.

Love is a leap of faith. But right now, I guess I am not yet inclined (again) to jump.

The Bachelorette

One thing I've realize from leaving alone and away from my parents for more than a year now, I could practically do anything I could think of with out the need to ask permission or with out someone forbidding me to do so. For the most part, of course it's a good thing. That's what any "growing child" had been yearning right? Independence. And I've had that ever since I signed my first ever working contract. Though I'd say, I am still just financially independent right now. Emotionally and even morally, I'm still clinging to my family and friends for support.

Sometimes, whenever I'm in my "insightful" my moods, I would joke to myself that with the way things are with my life today, I could definitely be considered as a bachelorette. Well... A bachelorette minus the bachelorette's pad. lol. But yes it's true. Maybe, if my parents had not raised me morally upright, I could have found my self partying every night or drinking till I pass out or using drugs or getting my self pregnant. haha. But I guess we just have our own way of dealing with grief or our own way of out lining our daily itineraries to keep one's self sane with-out dwelling too much with the thought that you are alone in some bigger metropolitan city. That's why, these days, whenever I'd crave for something, I don't deprive myself. And good thing that so far, I haven't craved for those things I've mentioned above.

For today, I forced my self to finish the whole Chronicles of Narnia book which I had been neglecting for weeks now. That made me skip breakfast and lunch and yes I realized that I am hungry when I was 3 pages away from the ending. The only food available with in reach is a pack of an oatmeal crackers and yes you got it right, it did not help that much. I realized the last time I had real food was 8'oclock last night when we had our Birthday bash party in the office. And then I thought of pizza and ice cream. I was craving for it but still I somehow manage to push myself back to the world of Narnia. But like what I said, I don't deprive myself my cravings these days. So I had those. Pizza and ice cream indeed.

White Chicago Pizza

I think this is the cheesiest pizza I've ever had so far. It took me quite a while to finish it. The serving is too big for my stomach's consumption I guess. I'm trying to think of the ingredients. Some ham, pineapple, White cheese and some more cheese. lol. But it sure is tasty.

Coffee Ice Cream

I was thinking of having coffee instead of Ice Cream but I passed by the Ice-Cream stall first so I considered that as a sign. Anyway, since I was thinking of coffee, why not have a coffee flavored Ice cream. And I really had what I was asking for, Real Coffee. I mean, this ice cream has some bits of real coffee grains on it. Never thought I'd actually eat a coffee grain for real. lol. Weird but it sure too is tasty.

And of course that leaves me satisfied. ^_^





Wait, this is my first ever real pic here in my blog right? haha. Well, for those who knows me since I was in school would definitely think that nothing much had changed. Well, though life is a constant change, somethings still remains right?^_^

I guess I will leave this long and winding blog with what happened in the pizza parlor that I had dined in. I was sitting across a middle-aged woman who's also eating alone like me and though I don't mean to hover, I found her enjoying her food though she's alone in a suppose to be 4-people table. In a moment, it just occurred to me that it seemed like a very good sign. It hit me that I could like be this woman. With her age, she seemed not to mind to be alone or single. But is she single? I don't know. And then a little boy approached her followed by his dad. Oh, so she's not single. She's just waiting for her husband and son. lol. My bad. See? It's not good to make up stories because most of the time, your story is wrong. But then I thought that if that's a sign, what a very good sign it is.^_^

Permanent

I've just realized something. Or rather, I've realized something last night. Although it's not something new that I could listen to the same song over and over again, I've never tried listening to one song again and again while doing nothing else but to lie in bed and look at the ceiling. Maybe I was just in a melodramatic mode last night. Might be because of the 523. Or might be because I was alone in our room 'cause my room mate had her work. Or might be because of the song itself. But anyway, that was just some temporary mood. Nothing serious I guess.

who said that "1" is the loneliest number?

This is technically just the 3rd post for this blog but here I am complaining to myself how hard it is to maintain a blog site like this. As much as possible, I want to post as often as I can but sometimes of course, I just can't find the right sensible topics to start with.

If you're wondering by the way why I did not start this blog post with "This part of my life blah blah blah" I realized time will come that my readers will find that part boring and so maybe I'd just select those entries where I'd begin with that line.

Oh crap. Here I am and my very much random ramblings again.

Actually, I got nothing to complain about this day. I won't complain that I am alone again at this time of the day. After all, I'm pretty much, very much use to this kind of scenario: me watching movies alone; me window shopping alone; me eating alone; me drinking that medium sized coffee alone. One more realization and you'd hear me singing, "Till now...I always get by on my Own". Yes I am not complaining. -_-

I remembered writing an article about "Sad People Need Friends Too". In that article I pointed out how we all need friends but it will be during our saddest moments that we'd need these so called friends of ours even more. Well, I would definitely appreciate if a friend would keep in touch with me today.

Nah...this too shall pass.