If we were a movie.

If we were starring in a romantic movie, I would have chosen Southern Son's You were there as our OST --- old school yes --- but somehow I can't find a better song than that. Cause though I know that this is a romantic acoustic song --- I still couldn't make it if the guy and the girl ended together basing on the lyrics.

If we were starring in a romantic movie, this is how it could have worked: We come in to each other's lives like serendipity --- some fortunate accident, we were both claiming we are not ready for love yet --- or make that falling in Love is not first in our priority list. For me, it was mainly because my first love did not went well enough-- I was heartbroken, while for you, it was mainly because career was and always first in your list --- no time to squeeze love in your tight and busy schedule. This first commonality first attracted me to you. My friends somehow knew that finally I have set my eyes into someone new and they found a way to introduce me to you. After some non-ceremonial introductions, we still manage to regard these things as ordinary -- we went back to focusing our attention to our daily routine--to our work.

Then one day you snap out of it. You've had enough time of being alone --- and you're finally ready to take a new chapter of your life with someone else. And then you realized through a series of flashbacks of the times that fate somehow shoved us together --- how happy and relax we seem to be in each other's company --- and how the timing seemed too perfect for the two of us. You realize that you too like me as much as I like you. Meanwhile, I lost hope that you will feel the same way, and afraid of another broken-heart, I decided to escape and planned to go back home for good.

You drove to the airport to stop me. You ran through traffic. You evaded the security personnel. And just when I'm about to board my flight, you called my name and you told me things I've been waiting and wanting to hear. We hugged --- yeah, even kissed and it felt as if we were the only people in the world.

Unfortunately that's not how it worked for us. I had always been smitten with you even before the serendipitous introductions. Even before I admitted to myself that I am finally over my first love. But you didn't snap out of it. You didn't realize that we belong together. You didn't feel the same way.

But I don't know. You always somehow manages to get my hopes high, or maybe it's just me who is reading the signs in a wrong way. But you said goodbye before we even had a chance to have a casual conversation.

Goodbye is such a strange idea isn't it?--- What if the person being left behind refuses to accept it or resents being waved goodbye? Is it still a goodbye for good or simply something like let's-just-call-it-a-day-concept?

I don't know why you left. But of course it wasn't because of anything I said or did, or anything I didn't say or didn't do. That would be so assuming of me. Maybe it wasn't even yours, either. You have to leave and the reason doesn't matter since it will not make much of a difference because I wasn't part of your past or your future anyway--- I was only a part of your present --- and that wasn't enough for you to stay. You never saw me as anything else or anything more. You left because you could and you are leaving because you can.

This has really been a long entry I know. Somehow I was thinking that I can't be like this all the time. That when somebody I like did not take a double look over me --- I'd feel rejected / unwanted / forlorn. It makes no sense that I'm always the one picking up the pieces in slow motion.

As usual, it's so tempting for me to look into the mirror and to see there's nothing more than a girl who can't get the boy she wants. When I try to evaluate my life, it's hard not to focus on the fact that I'm perpetually a single person for two decades now. It's tempting, it's hard, stupid in a way when I know there's a lot of other people who have worse case than I have and when I know that I am much more than those things.

For now, there's nothing for me to think further. I already did what I should have done long before you had said goodbye. Like what my friend said, not everyone can do that. It did not paid off but it was worth a try. Yeah, It was worth it in the end.